Why Are Bearded Men With No Direction Always Better in Bed? And Other Mysteries

Updated: Apr 20, 2019

Mystery 1: The unemployed bearded man who makes you cum 23 times.

He has no 401k, no real goals, mommy issues and a shitty credit score. He gets home from his bar job at 4:00 am and sleeps till three in the afternoon. His apartment is a fucking mess, and he has a mild cigarette habit and no food in his fridge, but fuck, he is SO good in bed.

What is this phenomenon? Why are men who are relative fuck ups make you cum more than anyone else? Why did the nice guy who called his mom everyday and worked a nine-to-five at a Real Estate firm not fuck you nearly as well as the bearded man with no goals?

I investigate.

Let's start on a basis of common sense. We can assume that the man with his shit together, isn't very free-spirited. He likes structure and rules and thrives in a well-ordered atmosphere. Meanwhile, Mr. Makes-You-Cum-16-Times, doesn't care much for money, is much more of a maverick and has an untroubled soul.

But what do those things have to do with sex? As someone who has had over 100 sexual partners, I feel rather qualified to make the following speculations.

Nine-To-Five man is a thinker. He thinks ahead. He thought about getting his degree, working for Corporate America and he's the type that actually saves 10% of his income. He gets his taxes done on time and actually does them honestly. He is methodical and disciplined.

And thats the problem. Sex isn't fucking methodical. You're not supposed to think. Sex is sort of like a dance, one person steps forward, one steps back. No one is thinking, everyone is just doing.

Now, bearded man over here, he is a floater. He trusts himself. He trust he will make rent with his shitty job, he trust that everything will just kinda work out for him. He's dare I say it? A... a Luckystud. He lives day by day and just does whatever feels right.

And thats why he can fuck your brains out.

Verdict: I feel like naturally, the bearded man with no direction is wildly more primal and animalistic. Think about it, animals just live day by day, not thinking ahead and just acting in terms of survival. And what makes someone a good fuck is just that one thing- how primal they are. When they act like an animal, they will fuck you like one. It's just that simple.

Mystery 2: Why do I have more energy after swallowing cum?

You can feel when it's about to happen. You feel his dick pulsate in you and he starts to make all those little faces that you take a mental picture of to masturbate to later. You feel him getting closer and closer, then he rushes to pull out. Like clockwork, you get down on your knees, pray that it doesn't get in your fucking eye, and open your mouth wide.

What a rush, what a feeling. Every fucking time. You feel like you just passed the BAR, birthed a child, or found a rogue onion ring in your french fries. Then thirty minutes later, you feel it, that rush of energy, a sugar rush, but with less jitters. Almost like a light adderall, but less crackheady. Its the cum rush. Its that perfect amount of beautiful and balanced energy your get after your stomach has soaked up all the cum. But why? What is this medical marvel all about?

I investigate.

So, what is actually in cum? According to The Greatist, "A normal male ejaculation (about one teaspoon’s worth) contains between five and 25 calories and a minimal amount of protein. Semen is only one percent sperm; the rest is composed of over 200 separate proteins, as well as vitamins and minerals including vitamin C, calcium, chlorine, citric acid, fructose, lactic acid, magnesium, nitrogen, phosphorus, potassium, sodium, vitamin B12, and zinc." Since most men cum about a teaspoon of semen during climax, woman aren't really getting an amount that would make a real difference.

I investigate further.

It's not ground breaking news that sex makes people happy. Having sex releases endorphins and oxytocin, those feel-good hormones that make you happy. I would just chalk it up to the sex itself, but I don't get the same amount of energy from getting cummed inside of, you know? I feel happier, overall more stable, but its not the energy rush that I get from swallowing cum.

Verdict: Unconcluded.

Mystery 3: Why do I love manginas so much?

Manginas have a bunch of definitions, but the mangina I'm talking about is that glorious moment when a man, jokingly tucks his penis in between his legs, making it seem like he has, a woman vagina.

Why do they spark so much joy? Why do I have multiple pictures of manginas on my phone? Why do they elate me more than TWO fucking rogue onion rings in my french fries?

I investigate.

As someone who truly loves all things rare, the mangina is like seeing a unicorn. Seldomly will a man volunteer to tuck his penis between his legs purely for your entertainment. I doubt its very comfortable. But the rarity of it bring it so much magic, as it almost like a coyote crossing your path. There is this eminent sign of something great to come.

I think the mangina also speaks to me because its so fucking weird. It looks just like a vagina... but its on a man! A man who just had a penis! The switch up right before your eyes is perplexing yet remarkable, and I just simply can't handle all those feelings at once.

The best part of the mangina though, is the back. Just a cute little ass crack with a penis head smushing these lovely deep-pink toned balls together. Ah, what a sight.

Conclusion: A joyous occasion. A stunning and rare event. A true spectacle.

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