Best in Bed: A Guide Based on Profession

Updated: Apr 19, 2019

As someone who has way too many sexual partners, I've been with men of all ages, all walks of life, and, not all professions, but a lot. Here is my definitive list of 20 professions, ranked worst to best, based on sexual ability.

This article is based on my own personal experiences with each profession. Not to be taken too seriously, but like, a little.

20. Authors (not to be confused with writers)

I honestly have no idea why this is the worst. They're kind of dorky I guess. Writers are hot, cause they're mostly unpublished and on the brink of being unemployed. But authors are kinda nerdy. Like, they published a whole ass book. Not sure why they're not great in bed, but they're mediocre at best.

1/10- wouldn't fuck again. Unless it was Nicholas Sparks. He seems like he would totally ~make love~ to me.

19. Hedge Fund Owners

Cocky motherfuckers. They're job is to calculate risk and manage money. Its more methodical than anything else, and someone who is thinking methodically, isn't fucking well, because he's too much in his own head.

2/10- would fuck again, but only in hopes of getting pregnant with their baby and securing that child support money.

18. Teacher (With the exception of College Professors)

Teachers are too pure. They literally chose a job to teach children, knowing their not going to get paid much for it. They chose it out of the good of their heart in hopes to make a change. Not good dirty talkers, fuck slowly, but without trying to make love.

3/10 would fuck again, mostly out of pity/ as a public service.

17. Air Traffic Controller

Eh, not great but not terrible. Again, very methodical people. They tell planes which way to go, so I feel like during sex, they're thinking about which way to go, instead of just.... going.

3/10- would maybe fuck again if they were really hot.

16. Models

They kinda just skate by on their looks, are used to woman approaching them and tend to be extremely cocky. Don't do much work in bed, just like their job doesn't require them to do much work. Thinks that you should feel lucky to be fucking them.

3/10- Models only made it to number 16 on the list because they're hot. Would probably fuck again, because, well, they're hot.

15. Realtors

Easy job that doesn't require much work. The kind of job you decide to get into when you realize you have nothing else going for you. Not awful fucks, actually pretty decent. But just not great. Kinda wishy-washy people in real life, which makes them wishy-washy in bed.

4/10- would fuck again. Even if they weren't that hot. I'm a slut.

14. Business Owners

Business owners worked hard for what they've built, so they work hard in bed! But they work a little too hard. You can tell they're over thinking and really trying to get you off. Tend to perform too much oral.

4/10- would probably fuck again. Depends on what kind of business they had/ income.

13. Financial Advisors

Depends on what kind of day they had at work. They're income is based on their performance/ stock market/ a bunch of other shit. So a bad day at work means a lot of money lost. They will fuck your brains out on this day. Mostly out of frustration, but still really great sex. If they had a regular day, it means they were analyzing the stock market talking to clients all day and are probably too tired and stressed to really perform.

5/10- would fuck again on a day the stock market dips, I would actually completely seek out a Financial Advisor on a day the stock market fucking dips.

12. Lawyers

Much like Financial Advisors, depends on their day at work. Won a case? Really great sex! Lost a case? Really, Really great sex! Mediocre day at work? Mediocre sex. Depends on the day. The inconsistency is what puts them in 12th place, instead of much higher on the list.

5/10- would definitely fuck again, even on a mediocre day. That way I can be their booty call on a great/shitty day.

11. Guys in the Armed Forces

Primal beings, aggressive in bed. Often they don't take breaks to actually like, connect for a damn second.

6/10- would always fuck again as a public service to honor the fucking veterans! 'Merica!

10. Videographers

Artsy little fucks! Since their ob requires them to capture human emotions, they're really good reading you and what you want. Great at connecting, and ensure that you orgasm, but they can be pretty boring at times.

7/10- would fuck again. Bonus points if they have a man bun.

9. Yoga Instructors

Always have big dicks. I don't know what the phenomenon is. But they do. Lots of stamina. Understand the human body. A little too passionate and kinda slow in bed. Will make you cum.

7/10- would fuck again, also bonus points if they're a videographer on the side, with a man bun.

8. Band Members

Free spirits, really good with their fingers. Aggressive, but sprinkle in some lust often. Not too worried about whether you cum or not, and not the greatest endurance. A solid bang, but get ready to ride some dick.

8/10- would fuck again, on a day where my knees aren't hurting.

7. Construction Workers

Will fuck you in the stairwell of the building they're working on. Can fuck for hours. Will fuck for hours. Their job makes them strong so they can do that thing in the movies where they hold you while they stand. Rugged creatures who just know how to fuck. Perverts. Can be a little dismissive, costing them two points.

8/10- would fuck again, especially in a stairwell.

6. Adult Industry Performers

They've fucked a lot of woman, so naturally they kinda know what theyre doing. I (unfortunately) have not fucked them all, so I'll say that most of them are very intuitive, always make sure you cum and know exactly what to do next.

9/10- would always fuck again.

5. Black Guys

Big dicks.

9/10- would fuck again & get guts rearranged.

4. Guys who sell weed

High sex is really fucking great. Not only do guys who sell weed (or, GWSW for short) get you high for the fucking free, they have this lax attitude that makes for really chill, connective sex.

9/10- would fuck again, preferably in a grow house. thats kinky.

3. Guy who sells cocaine

Guy who sells cocaine doesn't give a fuck, obviously. Guy who sells cocaine will fuck you like he doesn't give a fuck. Guy who sells cocaine will have very dirty sex with you. Also, tends to have a big dick.

10/10- would fuck again, while doing drugs off his dick.

2. Bartenders

A phenomenon. I have no idea why they're so good in bed. Low-stress job with no real responsibility? Lots of practice from taking girls home every night? A bartender will fuck the shit out of you, make you cum 21 times and even let you stay the night. Then he'll buy you breakfast in the morning. He will completely forget about you after, but thats almost what makes it hotter.

11/10- would fuck in the bathroom of the bar while my head is in the toilet.

1. Guy who is unemployed

He has nothing that truly defines him. He has no direction. He's a floater. He simply lives in the moment. When he fucks you, he goes moment by moment. He has nothing else on his mind. No pressing issues at work, no where to be, nothing to do. When he's fucking you you're the only thing he has to do in that moment, you're the only thing on your mind. Guy who is unemployed is always available for a dick appointment, because he has nothing else to do. He lives instinctively and fucks you that way. He lets you stay the night, will even hang with you the next day. You fall in love with him, but know it will never work because he has no job and is a relative fuck up. He knows how to finger you, how to dirty talk, and does everything just long enough where you're fulfilled, but also want more. He's the guy with no job, and is the absolute best at sex.

15/10 would fuck him all day every day and even pay his bills, care for his mother, sing him lullabies and have his children.

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