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The Time I Had to Get Two Abortions, Why I'm Not a Fucking Murderer and Making Porn While Pregnant

As I'm writing this, abortion bans have currently passed in Ohio, Missouri, and Georgia, with the strictest one in Alabama, banning abortions completely, even in cases of rape or incest. I hope my story shows how for me, and many others, this decision is made out of love. It is not a heartless decision, and we are not murderers.


I also vow to never make a serious post again. lol.


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"$18 dollars? For a pregnancy test?", I thought told myself. I hate spending money on fucking pregnancy tests. But, I hadn't gotten my period, which isn't rare for me (or most woman), and I had a weird woman intuition that I was pregnant; not to mention my boobs were twice the size they normally were and were SO sore. I wasn't on birth control, due to prior issues with my ovaries and all my woman stuff, that made me to believe I wasn't all that fertile anyways. I tried my best to track my cycle, and used other forms of protection, which worked swimmingly for almost two years.

I begrudgingly paid for the test, went home, and placed it next to the toilet so I would remember to take it when I woke up, since your morning pee is the delicious, hormone-filled pee. I woke up, peed and put it next to the sink. I went into the kitchen of my overpriced studio apartment, and made a little cuban coffee and told myself, "I'm for sure pregnant, I know I am." I even looked in the mirror and pushed my tummy out, imagining what a hot ass pregnant woman I would be, even though, I wasn't even sure if I was gonna keep it, if the test was even positive.

After a few minutes, I went back into the bathroom, took a breath, and peeked.

"It's fucking NEGATIVE??" I yelled to literally no one. I was so confused. I was pregnant. I just fucking knew I was. I didn't have many symptoms but I'm a cuban woman and damn it I know things! I threw the test away knowing it was wrong and decided to wait a bit before taking another one.

I went on about my life, and my initial confidence in my intuition started to fade. The couple days later, I took Dobbie, my dog, to the park. The second we arrived I could smell the detergent on peoples clothes, every single dog's shit and where they shit, the citrus in the trees and the dew in the fucking grass. While doing groceries that night, I picked up another fucking $18 pregnancy test. I went home, unpacked my groceries and decided not to wait til the good morning pee, and just take it then and there. I peed on the little stick, and walked away, keeping myself busy so the two minutes it takes for the test to compute your pee (I think that's what it does? Maybe? No fucking idea.) didn't feel like an eternity. I went back and braced myself, knowing it would be positive.

Not only was it positive, but it was one of the fancy Clearblue test that straight up says the word 'Pregnant'. With a capital fucking P. I stared at it for a few seconds, internalizing the results. I didn't feel happy, or sad. I just felt something. I then turned to my dog and yelled, "Damnit Dobbie! Why didn't you tell me?!" As if he had some sort of canine 6th sense, that would somehow know my slutty self was knocked the fuck up.

After talking to my sister, my mom, my friend, my other friend, the third friend, my cousin, my gyno, my dog, and my therapist, I decided I didn't want to keep it. I was about 5 weeks when I found out. I wanted to take the abortion pill, rather than the surgical option, just because I thought it was simpler, which I later found out I was extremely wrong, but I had to be at least 6 weeks to take the pill.

So I told myself, that if I was going to be pregnant, I was going to absolutely relish in it. I wasn't going to drink, I stayed celibate outside of porn, and didn't smoke weed. I treated my body like the miracle it was, because every woman suddenly believes that they are some sort of pure saint when they are pregnant, even though the way we got there was by being a dirty little hoe. Well, at least I did. I definitely was not ~making love~ when I got pregnant. I was for sure getting railed. That sounds so fucking aggressive. But I was. *insert Kanye shrug emoji thing here*

Being pregnant as a sex worker is a little different, because your job is very much based on your vaginal (I hate that word) health, and your overall health. I wanted to cancel the shoots I had for that month, as my body was overly sensitive. My hormones were throwing off my pussy's pH balance, my nipples hurt like hell, my boobs hurt like fuck, and I had a lot of morning sickness. Your whole body is involved when making a porn, so if you don't feel 100%, filming is absolutely miserable. I went to my (white male) agent, Spiegler, and asked him to please cancel my shoots, as the closest one was still a week away, and the companies had plenty of time to find a new talent. His response was something along the lines of, "Absolutely not. You're getting an abortion right? You're fine. The procedure isn't a big deal. One of my other girls was performing a day after her abortion. You're fine, you're fine. I'm not cancelling any shoots." A man, telling me that a procedure he will never have to get "isn't a big deal". A man, comparing my experience to another woman's. I asked if we could just cancel the shoots I had three weeks from then, when I would still be healing from the abortion. He continued to deny my requests, and I knew if I said I wasn't going, he was going to just drop me, and I really didn't want that. He can be a fucking dick, but he's still the best agent.

I had to work for Kink in a few days for the very first time. I always wanted to work for them, and normally I would be excited as fuck, except for the fact I had no idea what my body could handle right now. Kink is very, very thorough. You fill out extensive paperwork, stating what you're comfortable with, uncomfortable with and that you're in good health. One of the boxes you have to check off states that you are not pregnant. I stared at the little box, somehow hoping it would disappear. "Fuuuuuuuck!!!", my inner voice squealed. I couldn't say that I was, they wouldn't have let me perform, and I had flown all the way to San Fran to shoot. I checked off no, and told my co-worker to take it easy on me, as my body had the craziest sensations right now.

That was the only time I cried on set, most likely cause I was hormonal as fuck, and doing such a rough scene was a lot for my pregnant body. Kink was amazing and kind, as were my co-stars. It's not on them at all. I just wish I would have had a more empathetic agent, that understood that everyones body is different, and that if I'm asking to please cancel a shoot, its because I know my body extremely well, and know what I would be able to handle. Oh fucking well.

I shot a couple other scenes that month. They went fine. I told all my scene partners ahead of time, so they would know to take be gentle on my hypersensitive body. They were all so understanding and great, and I thank them for that.

I scheduled my abortion in Miami, where I was going to be for Thanksgiving, and where I could be with my family. I flew out mid November and my mom held my hand as we walked into the clinic. I did the ultrasound, and they told me how far along I was. I was almost 9 weeks. The ultrasound looked so different from my first one at 5 weeks, which was basically just a clot of blood and looked like a black dot. This one was grey, and looked more like a deformed oval. My mom told me not to look at it, as she didn't want me to get attached, but I thought that would be disrespectful to nature. I looked at it, and felt that same feeling that I felt when I saw I was pregnant, not happy, not sad, just something. I also looked at the ultrasound, cause if I did feel attached in any way, then I really should not be going through with this. But I didn't feel attached. I was logical. It was not a human, it was not a baby. It was the size of raspberry, a clump of hormones and cells, with no brain, no face and no soul.

I took the first pill in the office, and I cried. I'm not sure why. I don't regret my decision, I was totally confident that I was not ready for a baby. But I am a spiritual person. I understand that many woman can't have children, and I really do want to be a mom someday. It just wasn't the right time for me, and thats what I was crying about. I was crying that I couldn't be a mom yet, because I truly can't wait to have a husband, kids and a fucking SUV.

The next day I took the other pills, which actually cause your body to release what's in your uterus, and it was hell. It was the worst pain I have ever been through, and the hardest thing I have ever done. I cried and kicked and screamed and my body temperature was on fire. I spent 7 hours between the bathroom and my room, puking and sweating and bleeding. I felt guilty as fuck at some points, thinking that maybe my little embryo/fetus thing didn't want to leave, or that maybe I was hurting it in some way. My logical side knew that it know that it had no feeling, no brain and was the size of my toe; but still, I'm an emotional little bitch.

Three days later, since Spiegler wouldn't cancel my motherfucking shoot (!!!!), I had to shove a bunch of makeup sponges up my goddamn pussy, since I was still bleeding a bit, and against doctors orders, went and had sex. I was in pain, but again, I told my scene partner and he was cool as fuck. The scene was that I was a cuban immigrant, coming to America, and I have sex with J Mac, on his boat, after he promises to take me to America. Yes, I know, fucking hysterical. It was windy as hell, making it a shitty day to boat, and if I was calling cut every couple minutes due to my pain, it would have been annoying for everyone, even me. So I pushed through the pain, and finished the scene- where they throw me in the water, after kicking me off the boat. Another thing you're not supposed to do after an abortion? Be submerged in water. Yay.

I went back to LA, where I had my follow-up appointment. I laid back while the nurse put the gel on my tummy (which, by the fucking way! isn't cold? why do they make it seem so cold in movies and shit? weird.), and maneuvered her little thingy-majiingy around.

"Sweetie?"

"Yes?"

"You're still very much pregnant, and your uterine lining is swollen. You could risk an infection if we don't do a surgical abortion, like, now."

I started crying, and I actually asked her if there was a way I could keep it, I mean, it was a scrappy little fucking fetus! She explained how I'm pregnant hormone wise, and that basically the fetus in broken up, but not all of it came out. (I totally credit this to not taking care of my body post-abortion, because I had to work. But whatever.)

I pulled myself together, assured myself that this was the right decision, and went into surgery. They put me under anesthesia, and as the woman was about to go into my pussy I screamed, "I'm still awake! I'm still awake! I'm still awaaaa-" Bam. Woke up about 20 minutes later, fetus free, and totally at peace.


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I am not a murderer. It was not a baby. It is my body and I do what I fucking want with it. These abortions bans are immoral and unjust. These decisions are mostly made by men, who have never and will never experience this. It's beyond me.

I, and other woman who have had an abortion, are not "baby-killers". We are humans, who made an often difficult decision to do whats best for everyone in the situation.

These bans are an attack on woman, not a pro-life movement. Pro-life would be banning assault rifles. Pro-life would be reforming the foster care system. Pro-life would be reforming public education.

I stand by woman, and all of their choices.


I hope my vulnerability in this post shows how difficult this decision was for me, how emotional it was, and how I, and so many other woman, recognize that preganancy is a beautiful thing, even if we decide to not go through with it.


Fuck your abortion bans and fuck the men who think they should make these decisions.


It's my body and I do what I fucking want with it.

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